I was talking with a co-worker today. We were discussing relationships and how do you know you have found the right one. One of my old high school chums recently married her 'soul mate'. They went to senior prom together, went their separate ways and then twenty some years later they found each other again. She describes their relationship as "kindred spirits". That was so mind blowing to me to finally realize that having a feeling like that about someone else might just mean something. If one waited until they had that feeling of 'kindred spirits' or 'souls being at peace with each other' maybe things would be so much better. I know that I can honestly say that I have never had that type of feeling with any of my relationships. A lot of other feelings but never one of my soul being at peace. While chatting today I also remembered something else that had come to me...It was a few (couple; don't remember) years ago and I don't recall if it was while I was just 'praying' or 'talking to God' or if it was during a dream...but anyway...I asked God how was I going to know if the man was the right one and he answered me by saying I would be able to see it in his eyes. I do remember going and looking at pictures of my husband (now deceased); I couldn't look into his eyes because we were separated; so I looked at the pictures to see if I could see anything in his eyes. Really I am not sure because pictures don't really show the eyes good sometimes. But what I do know for sure is that in the couple of relationships I had after that, when I looked into their eyes it wasn't forever that I saw. Maybe I should have just broke it off right at that point. It would have saved everyone...well at least me... a lot of problems. So now that I have remembered that I think I will go back to staring deeply into his eyes (whatever him is around) and if I don't freak him out first maybe I will be able to see something.
Today I also started thinking about why I have that deep need to be in a relationship no matter what. In the past I have sometimes thought that it might have something to do with being adopted and then losing my adopted mom when I was only six. Maybe having that feeling of loss makes me want to hold on to any relationship I have just because I fear being left again. What I have failed time and again to realize is that being in a bad relationship can be far more devastating then being alone. Being in bad relationships has truly cost me my soul at times.
Just a quick update on the boys and then I should be getting to bed.... W is still the same nice guy, saying all the right things today, will be out of prison in a year guy and I am still his 'friend'. I text C this morning just to say have a good day and have not heard anything at all from him. Our mutual friend thinks that it is just because he has been very busy. But hey, I am a busy person too, and can at least find time to say HI. The new J started texting me at like five thirty this morning. Said he was at his homeboys house but every instinct I have tells me that he has a woman. He said that he does have a few women that are sweet on him but no one serious. We had text conversations a couple of times today but the last thing that he said to me was "I will call you tonight". Now I didn't sit by the phone waiting for a call which was a good thing because he didn't call. It would have been no big deal if he hadn't said he was going to call. No big miss on my part, but DUDE, don't say you are going to do something and then not do it. Jeez. ... And my favorite part is that they all say...I am going to keep it real...if you don't want the truth don't ask.... blah blah blah.
Making a list...checking it twice...gonna find out who's a liar or nice...deliteful Dawn is done tonight!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Starting in the middle
For some reason I decided that I wanted to start writing a blog. I think mainly so that I can put my thoughts and feelings out there and no one will know me so they can't necessarily say I am crazy...at least not until they know me. Since this is the first posting I won't even try to start at the begining....even starting 20 years ago would entail to much. So I will start with today...right this minute.
I am sitting here alone (okay, actually my children and one childs girlfriend are in the house) but I am still alone. My husband, who had my heart, died 15 months ago. It was sad, but before you get your tissue out I guess that I should tell you that he and I had been seperated for over a year. He was in Texas; I was in Oregon. He had a girlfriend and I had whoever would have me for the moment. But I still loved him; had loved him for 17 years and he will always have a part of my heart. That's how I felt about him. How he really felt about me I will never honestly know. And now, tonight, I sit here alone.
What is really on my mind tonight is the fact that I am still finding myself settling for men who in reality don't give a crap about me. I want someone to love me (or at least say they love me) so badly that I will give anyone a shot. I must have a sign that is invisible to me, that says it doesn't matter what you want from me, just give me some attention and it can be yours. Sex, of course, because sex equals love right? Money, because money means nothing and I am only giving it to you because I want to; you're not using me because I realize what I am doing (whatever you say deliteful; keep trying to make yourself feel good).
This is the score of men 'in' my life right now---we will start with Big E. I have know him for about 18 months. Started dating him even though physically he wasn't my type at all, but he was a nice guy and he paid attention to me. Did I mention that he is a pig farmer that still lives with his parents and his parents can still tell him what to do. Doesn't mean he isn't nice...but apparently he wanted to be with me to get away from his parents and I wanted to be with him so I could shout from the mountain top that I was in a relationship. Well I broke it off with him months ago, although I haven't told him, but I would think that maybe he has figured it out since we haven't seen each other at all in that time. So that's Big E. Then I have W....W is a very nice man; just a couple years older then me...appears to have things figured out...as much as one can have things figured out from prison. Yes I said prison! But he is a good guy. I go visit him every couple of weeks. He is going to help my make money in the stock market...We are such good 'friends'. And I will keep on saying that until he gets out of prison in a year and then wait while he makes sure he can make it on his own in the world and then hope and pray he will give me the time of day. Hmmm, does that sound like a plan? Okay, okay, while I am waiting on W, I have now met C. Again, I think he is nice...although now I don't know. But if he pays me some attention that makes him nice right? Wow, maybe I am crazy. Anyway, I met C thru some mutual friends. We chatted real nice and he said some good words, that were peppered with 'we'll see where this can go' and 'no titles' and 'they don't need to know our business'. Now if one of my friends told me that was what a guy was telling her, I would have some serious questions about his intentions. But what am I supposed to do....Do I believe him and maybe end up looking like the fool again...Do I not believe him a maybe miss out on something good. I just don't flippin know! Okay, but really I do. He doesn't call me, only responds to my texts, MOST of the time. Even though he gave me his number and said to call anytime, night or day, the couple of times I have tried to call him he hasn't answered the phone. When we made plans one day he canceled them with some really lame excuse. But dumb me.... I am still texting him...why...just so I can make sure that I am really hurt. We will also add the new J to the mix. He started to email and text me....mostly with a sex under tone to everything so not really asking for a date or anything and what I have noticed the last two nights is that in the evening he doesn't text me back. Could mean nothing and I am just insecure (actually that is a fact, I am insecure) or it could mean that he already has a girlfriend and just wants sex. I DON'T KNOW!!!! And then we have the couple of people, one of whom is married, that just want sex, phone sex, real sex whatever....but at least they are honest about it.
All of this just kills me bit by bit. I don't think that I am a bad person. I try to do right. I work and take care of my family. I care about others. BUTTT I am overwieght!!! Is that why I can't find a good man that I am actually attracted to? I am not a five hundred pound hippo, but I am overwieght. And I do think that so many men are so superficial that they cannot look past that. My problem has been almost life long and is a story for another day, but really...
At this time I have lost 25 pounds. I have a hundred more to go and I will do it. When I do I hope and pray that I have the strength to look at all those men who wouldn't look at me and tell them to "KISS MY SKINNY WHITE ASS!!!!!" You didn't want me then and the only thing different now is the shape of my body so fuck you! Yes I said the F word. So you know I am upset, because I usually don't cuss. But this pisses me off. So I can find men who will screw me and screw me over but I can't find someone good. What is wrong with me???? I want so badly to figure it out, because I do want peace and joy before I die.
Well, it is late and I need to get up early so that I can walk on the treadmill as I work on losing this extra person I have been carrying around for so long. Maybe once she is gone I can get on with my life. Is that the key?
I am sitting here alone (okay, actually my children and one childs girlfriend are in the house) but I am still alone. My husband, who had my heart, died 15 months ago. It was sad, but before you get your tissue out I guess that I should tell you that he and I had been seperated for over a year. He was in Texas; I was in Oregon. He had a girlfriend and I had whoever would have me for the moment. But I still loved him; had loved him for 17 years and he will always have a part of my heart. That's how I felt about him. How he really felt about me I will never honestly know. And now, tonight, I sit here alone.
What is really on my mind tonight is the fact that I am still finding myself settling for men who in reality don't give a crap about me. I want someone to love me (or at least say they love me) so badly that I will give anyone a shot. I must have a sign that is invisible to me, that says it doesn't matter what you want from me, just give me some attention and it can be yours. Sex, of course, because sex equals love right? Money, because money means nothing and I am only giving it to you because I want to; you're not using me because I realize what I am doing (whatever you say deliteful; keep trying to make yourself feel good).
This is the score of men 'in' my life right now---we will start with Big E. I have know him for about 18 months. Started dating him even though physically he wasn't my type at all, but he was a nice guy and he paid attention to me. Did I mention that he is a pig farmer that still lives with his parents and his parents can still tell him what to do. Doesn't mean he isn't nice...but apparently he wanted to be with me to get away from his parents and I wanted to be with him so I could shout from the mountain top that I was in a relationship. Well I broke it off with him months ago, although I haven't told him, but I would think that maybe he has figured it out since we haven't seen each other at all in that time. So that's Big E. Then I have W....W is a very nice man; just a couple years older then me...appears to have things figured out...as much as one can have things figured out from prison. Yes I said prison! But he is a good guy. I go visit him every couple of weeks. He is going to help my make money in the stock market...We are such good 'friends'. And I will keep on saying that until he gets out of prison in a year and then wait while he makes sure he can make it on his own in the world and then hope and pray he will give me the time of day. Hmmm, does that sound like a plan? Okay, okay, while I am waiting on W, I have now met C. Again, I think he is nice...although now I don't know. But if he pays me some attention that makes him nice right? Wow, maybe I am crazy. Anyway, I met C thru some mutual friends. We chatted real nice and he said some good words, that were peppered with 'we'll see where this can go' and 'no titles' and 'they don't need to know our business'. Now if one of my friends told me that was what a guy was telling her, I would have some serious questions about his intentions. But what am I supposed to do....Do I believe him and maybe end up looking like the fool again...Do I not believe him a maybe miss out on something good. I just don't flippin know! Okay, but really I do. He doesn't call me, only responds to my texts, MOST of the time. Even though he gave me his number and said to call anytime, night or day, the couple of times I have tried to call him he hasn't answered the phone. When we made plans one day he canceled them with some really lame excuse. But dumb me.... I am still texting him...why...just so I can make sure that I am really hurt. We will also add the new J to the mix. He started to email and text me....mostly with a sex under tone to everything so not really asking for a date or anything and what I have noticed the last two nights is that in the evening he doesn't text me back. Could mean nothing and I am just insecure (actually that is a fact, I am insecure) or it could mean that he already has a girlfriend and just wants sex. I DON'T KNOW!!!! And then we have the couple of people, one of whom is married, that just want sex, phone sex, real sex whatever....but at least they are honest about it.
All of this just kills me bit by bit. I don't think that I am a bad person. I try to do right. I work and take care of my family. I care about others. BUTTT I am overwieght!!! Is that why I can't find a good man that I am actually attracted to? I am not a five hundred pound hippo, but I am overwieght. And I do think that so many men are so superficial that they cannot look past that. My problem has been almost life long and is a story for another day, but really...
At this time I have lost 25 pounds. I have a hundred more to go and I will do it. When I do I hope and pray that I have the strength to look at all those men who wouldn't look at me and tell them to "KISS MY SKINNY WHITE ASS!!!!!" You didn't want me then and the only thing different now is the shape of my body so fuck you! Yes I said the F word. So you know I am upset, because I usually don't cuss. But this pisses me off. So I can find men who will screw me and screw me over but I can't find someone good. What is wrong with me???? I want so badly to figure it out, because I do want peace and joy before I die.
Well, it is late and I need to get up early so that I can walk on the treadmill as I work on losing this extra person I have been carrying around for so long. Maybe once she is gone I can get on with my life. Is that the key?
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