For some reason I decided that I wanted to start writing a blog. I think mainly so that I can put my thoughts and feelings out there and no one will know me so they can't necessarily say I am crazy...at least not until they know me. Since this is the first posting I won't even try to start at the begining....even starting 20 years ago would entail to much. So I will start with today...right this minute.
I am sitting here alone (okay, actually my children and one childs girlfriend are in the house) but I am still alone. My husband, who had my heart, died 15 months ago. It was sad, but before you get your tissue out I guess that I should tell you that he and I had been seperated for over a year. He was in Texas; I was in Oregon. He had a girlfriend and I had whoever would have me for the moment. But I still loved him; had loved him for 17 years and he will always have a part of my heart. That's how I felt about him. How he really felt about me I will never honestly know. And now, tonight, I sit here alone.
What is really on my mind tonight is the fact that I am still finding myself settling for men who in reality don't give a crap about me. I want someone to love me (or at least say they love me) so badly that I will give anyone a shot. I must have a sign that is invisible to me, that says it doesn't matter what you want from me, just give me some attention and it can be yours. Sex, of course, because sex equals love right? Money, because money means nothing and I am only giving it to you because I want to; you're not using me because I realize what I am doing (whatever you say deliteful; keep trying to make yourself feel good).
This is the score of men 'in' my life right now---we will start with Big E. I have know him for about 18 months. Started dating him even though physically he wasn't my type at all, but he was a nice guy and he paid attention to me. Did I mention that he is a pig farmer that still lives with his parents and his parents can still tell him what to do. Doesn't mean he isn't nice...but apparently he wanted to be with me to get away from his parents and I wanted to be with him so I could shout from the mountain top that I was in a relationship. Well I broke it off with him months ago, although I haven't told him, but I would think that maybe he has figured it out since we haven't seen each other at all in that time. So that's Big E. Then I have W....W is a very nice man; just a couple years older then me...appears to have things figured out...as much as one can have things figured out from prison. Yes I said prison! But he is a good guy. I go visit him every couple of weeks. He is going to help my make money in the stock market...We are such good 'friends'. And I will keep on saying that until he gets out of prison in a year and then wait while he makes sure he can make it on his own in the world and then hope and pray he will give me the time of day. Hmmm, does that sound like a plan? Okay, okay, while I am waiting on W, I have now met C. Again, I think he is nice...although now I don't know. But if he pays me some attention that makes him nice right? Wow, maybe I am crazy. Anyway, I met C thru some mutual friends. We chatted real nice and he said some good words, that were peppered with 'we'll see where this can go' and 'no titles' and 'they don't need to know our business'. Now if one of my friends told me that was what a guy was telling her, I would have some serious questions about his intentions. But what am I supposed to do....Do I believe him and maybe end up looking like the fool again...Do I not believe him a maybe miss out on something good. I just don't flippin know! Okay, but really I do. He doesn't call me, only responds to my texts, MOST of the time. Even though he gave me his number and said to call anytime, night or day, the couple of times I have tried to call him he hasn't answered the phone. When we made plans one day he canceled them with some really lame excuse. But dumb me.... I am still texting him...why...just so I can make sure that I am really hurt. We will also add the new J to the mix. He started to email and text me....mostly with a sex under tone to everything so not really asking for a date or anything and what I have noticed the last two nights is that in the evening he doesn't text me back. Could mean nothing and I am just insecure (actually that is a fact, I am insecure) or it could mean that he already has a girlfriend and just wants sex. I DON'T KNOW!!!! And then we have the couple of people, one of whom is married, that just want sex, phone sex, real sex whatever....but at least they are honest about it.
All of this just kills me bit by bit. I don't think that I am a bad person. I try to do right. I work and take care of my family. I care about others. BUTTT I am overwieght!!! Is that why I can't find a good man that I am actually attracted to? I am not a five hundred pound hippo, but I am overwieght. And I do think that so many men are so superficial that they cannot look past that. My problem has been almost life long and is a story for another day, but really...
At this time I have lost 25 pounds. I have a hundred more to go and I will do it. When I do I hope and pray that I have the strength to look at all those men who wouldn't look at me and tell them to "KISS MY SKINNY WHITE ASS!!!!!" You didn't want me then and the only thing different now is the shape of my body so fuck you! Yes I said the F word. So you know I am upset, because I usually don't cuss. But this pisses me off. So I can find men who will screw me and screw me over but I can't find someone good. What is wrong with me???? I want so badly to figure it out, because I do want peace and joy before I die.
Well, it is late and I need to get up early so that I can walk on the treadmill as I work on losing this extra person I have been carrying around for so long. Maybe once she is gone I can get on with my life. Is that the key?
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